Bankruptcy..

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A fifteen year old, seeing the court for the first time in his life, was made to stand in the witness box, in a case of - a parent against a parent. Now, you and me cannot comprehend the dilemma in the child's mind. No-one except the child himself.

The child wished there was a lot more love in this world. And a lot more peace, though he hadn't seen any of those in his fifteen years. Now he had to make a choice. Options were two. He had to choose one of those two options. Very simple. But a very very complicated equation.

He stood there to help the judge make the decision. Watever the judge would decide, woud be life altering for him. He wished mom would win and take him. But he wished his dad did not loose. He couldnt imagine how it would be to see his cold hearted father crumble. He wished he was not there at all. He wished he was not born at all.

He weighed his options. He couldnt see the consequences clearly. After all, he was never left to make his decisions in all his fifteen years. If he helped his mom win, there was some hope of life. Some hope of unseen love. Even after that if the dad took him, no way he could live after that, he thought. And just in case, he helped his dad win, there was no way he could live either. One opportunity had just slipped away few days earlier. How happy i was that day, he thought. Tears just kept rolling down his cheeks without control.

His thoughts were interrupted when the lawyer approached him. He wiped his tears with the back of his hands. Even though the court room was full of people, who were curious to know what would happen next, there was pin drop silence when the lawyer started the enquiry.

Words did not come out of him at all. He just nodded the yes-es and no-es. Tears continued to roll down. He did not dare to look at his mother's worrisome eyes. He did not look at his father's cold eyes either. Was there any emotions behind those cold eyes.. everyone wondered.

The judge was left baffled. He could not decide. He could not write a verdict. The situation demanded something which was not in the law book. And he had never written such a thing so far. That was the first case, the judge had left the decision to the warring parties. First time where he did not write a verdict. Where things took its own course of action.

That day the kid was free to move to a new world. He was not filled with awe at whatever he saw. He did not rejoice at the new found freedom. He did not jump and run like other kids. He could not comprehend the gravity of the situation. He had lost the will to live. He was scarred for life.

Even today, i find him searching for that warmth and affection, which he did not see in his early life. I wish there was a lot more love and peace for him in this world.

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Unravelled..

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Finally, i am feeling at peace with myself. I found the answer/the truth that i was looking for all these months.

The months of ordeal, months of "what did i do?" "what did i possibly do?" has been answered. Not just answered; clarified beyond doubt. No. I dint hear any lame story from anyone. People can be a tad selfish, a little manipulative or tweak few things to suit them, you see. So, I just found out the truth myself. Period.

Truth has a power of healing everything. Truth is just magic - i must say. For everything is falling into place now. Ones i dint know, things which i was wondering, things which some people couldn’t tell me... everything..

I am happy i found the root cause. Forget about what followed. It doesn’t matter now. It was just an avalanche of reactions that followed the first word. Everything was selectively fed. Everything was triggered. Everything was conspired, executed and lo, there it was.

There is this concept in Neural Networks, where intelligence is fed into the neural brain. A training set is formed using selective inputs depending on the output desired from it. The neural brain learns through these training set. The more the training sets for a particular output, more accurate is the behaviour. But the brain crashes, when there is an input of unknown type when it is left to fend for itself. It’s plain confused as to what to do and what not. I just came to know how relevant artificial intelligence is in humans also.

I am happy i played it fair. You might not agree with me, but i know and God knows. I played it alone. Never mind, becoz i still played it fair. Unfortunate, that no-one did play any better.. But i wouldn't want to comment on that. Because its up to others. Whether they play by rules or frame their own rules. . On second thoughts, might be I didn’t play fair by others scale. Might be everyone was right. Might be everyone was wrong. Everyone has a point here. Circumstances would have had a bigger role to play. Anyways, what matters now is the feeling/ satisfaction i derive from the fact that i tried my level best for good. On the way i learnt that silence is not golden!! Speak right, speak appropriate. By right and appropriate i mean, things what others WANT to hear. Not what you want to tell!! Don’t be very honest. Straight trees are cut first. Remember?


Definitely i could have done few things better. I have done few wrong things at the wrong time. But i never thought it to be that catastrophic. As the saying goes even faint strokes can fell a huge oak tree, (when the winds are very strong i should add :))..

So here we are guys.. A new, happy, relieved and peaceful me learning few more lessons, becoming a little more wiser and eager for some more experiences!!

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watta find!!

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Hate circuit of the brain identified - TOI Thursday, Oct 30, 2008

Brain scans of people shown images of individuals they hated revealed a pattern of brain activity that partly occurs in areas also activated by romantic love - Semir Zeki and John Paul Romaya of University College London.

Hmmm.. Now i understand many a people who hate me.. err.. love me is it?..

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Coffee with 'S'

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I have run into 'S' several times after the training. Each time, we act as if we are complete strangers. Not that i wouldn't acknowledge his presence or smile at him, but he always cut me short with his blank stare, as if i am totally non-existant. My smile would freeze on its way.
Recently i have started a new way of reciprocating. Stare blankly and act as if he is non-existant. So imagine my plight if he decides to have a cup of coffee with me unexpectedly...
I was running 10 mins behind schedule for the 4 o'clock session, when i decided to make a quick dash to the Travel Desk (TD) before attending the session. I just ran into the lift area in Phase-II, only to find 'S' also waiting for the lift with a cup of coffee.. As usual i dint dare to look at him. We got into the lift, 'S', me and a third person. When he saw me, my first instinct was to smile, which again froze on its way when he stared at me blankly.. I reverted back to my old tactics. Reached the TD, took a seat and waited for my turn..
A chair is pulled next to me. I turn.. to find a smiling 'S' saying 'Hi', taking his seat next to me. I murmer 'Hi Shubhankar'.. (Did he hear that? I wonder.. Did the sun rise in the west? May be.. I am always too sleepy to notice anything..)
'S' : So which team are you into?
Me : AirMagnet
S : (Ponders for a while, sips coffee as though he has all the time in the world..) Its an American project right?
M : Yeah (Smiling)
S : Do you have a development team there? (Now!!! who knows about that.. Atleast i am happy he knows about my project.. Geee.. I answer rather unconvincingly)
M : There are some guys over there (Watever that meant.. I am not able to think straight.. Dammit..)
S : Is Padmaja in your team? (I look at him confused. Name sounds familiar. Sujatha.. Kavitha.. Abitha.. But who is this Padmaja? My brains not working at this time.. Btw it never did.. )
S : Padmaja Jagannathan..
M : No I dont know (I am embarrassed)
S : Might be you dont know her..
M : (Smile.. I have found out that smile is the best answer for many things..)
S : The project is on Wi-Fi right ?
M : Yes..
He falls silent. I dont have anything to speak. Think.. Think.. What can i speak to him.. Finally i give up and sit still moving only my eyeballs to watch the happenings around.. I look straight at the TD and to my right, where a guy is mopping the floor.. Never to my left. In my visual field I can see him looking at what i am trying to concentrate on. Might be he was enjoying my uneasyness.. All the while I think of a topic to ease out the situation.. Gosh.. Did he have to find a seat next to me of all the empty seats?? After an eternity, i come up with something..
M : Do you stay in Malleshwaram? (Gee.. What a superb topic to converse with GOD..)
S : No. Why??
M : I think i saw you in Malleshwaram once. Might be someone similar to you.. (How stupid..)
S : (Bridging his eyebrows) No.. When did you see me??
M : Some one and a half ye... (Oh god.. What am i speaking)
S : YEARS!! HA HA HA.. No..
M : Months, months..
S : Oh no.. I stay in Sarjapur road. Its very far.. I am wondering what to say next, when the TD associate comes to my rescue.. A group of people swarm his desk. The TD asks us if we are in the queue.. Subhankar raises his hand and says 'yes'..
Associate : Why are you far off?
S : (With his typical accent ) I thought we are supposed to be far off when others speak to you. (Some dumbhead speaks up.. In all probability, he has never attended 'S'' sessions)
S :You have to be faa.. faa.. when others speak.. (I am smiling gleefully. I like 'S' for this. He gives it back even before he gets it.. smart eh..)
Next is his turn. He finishes his work and walks past me as if i am non-existant. I revert back to my previous tactics..

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Like - Dislike

The weather today morning was so good that i dint want the journey to end.. It was one of the best commutes to office in five months.. It made me ponder over many things and a few are here..

What i like the most:

1. Dogs, Dogs, Dogs, Puppies and lots of them.. You forget the world when they are around. Somehow the dogs find me interesting... he he.. The other day i was walking home at night and this cute pomeranian, who was out on a walk just came running to me and started licking my feet.. Soooo Cute... The owners pulled him away.. He was still trying to reach me.. Hope i will get to meet him someday..

2. A long journey sitting in the window seat.. The road should not be bumpy.. A smooth drive and silence all through.. There is nothing like it when you see the paddy fields, mountains, rivers, railway tracks, roads, bridges, people, animals, vehicles and many such things whiz past and you get lost in your thoughts.. Its even more good if it has rained.. I miss our coastal area roads for this reason..

3. Books.. Take me to another world. When you are attacked by gloomy thoughts, read a book.. When you are happy, read a book.. When you are tired, read a book.. When you are sad, read a book.. Uff.. Books are my only friends, in the true sense..

4. Sports, sports and sports. Be it watching or playing.. They help me relax.. The best table tennis i ever played was on the previous night of the day i had to leave Mysore.. One of the saddest days and i took out all my sadness and frustration on the tennis ball.. :D..

5. Sea for its magnanimity.. The vast sea, stretching beyond the reach of my eyes simply mesmerises me.. The depth, the force in it, the sheer amount of water in it, the fishermen fighting all odds against the sea are a sight to behold.

6. A stroll with my friends.. Especially at nights.. Enjoyed lot of these strolls during college days.. Keep walking aimlessly, speaking about anything under the sun..

And there are these things which i dont like so much:

1. Sentences like 'None of your business', 'Mind your own business', etc. I feel its just too rude to tell this to anyone, especially to a friend, unless things have gone too overboard..

2. Having beautiful sisters is really nice.. But I would never want to introduce them to my friends - boys.. Soon, they start hitting on my sisters, methodically.. Get the number, send forwards, start chatting, move on to flirting, and try to see if something works out.. Haaaa.. Boys grow old, but not wise.. :P

3. Harsh and rude parents.. They kill the child even before he gets to know about life..

4. Kids troubling animals for fun..

Did i hear you say boring? Well, well.. Will come up with more interesting things shortly.. :)